What is blackmail?
It happens when someone close to us uses our vulnerabilities, weaknesses and secrets against us to get exactly what they want. This could be to gain:
- Goods, for example, your partner wants you to pay for a new car as they might leave you if you don’t.
- Emotional control, for example, you are made to feel guilty for buying new clothes for yourself or your children.
- Financial control, for example, someone demanding money from you, or trying to persuade you to pay their outstanding debts.
- Control over your behaviour, for example, you decide not to go out and see your friends because you feel guilty about leaving your partner alone.
It is a manipulative tool generally used by people in close relationships: our partners, parents and children, siblings, friends, colleagues or carers.
Recognising blackmail
These are examples to help you to understand what could be classed as emotional blackmail.
If you have experienced this, then it is possible that you have been emotionally blackmailed. It is all about manipulation.
“If you could have given me a lift, I wouldn’t have been late for work”
It is a tool used by the people closest to us to hurt and manipulate us, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Gentle threats can be used to play on your natural fears. The blackmailer might make you believe that you will end up isolated or be disliked if you don’t do what they’re asking. For example, they might say:
“Everyone agrees with me. You shouldn’t be doing that.”
Usually, their emotional blackmail will be part of a bigger pattern of emotional abuse where they’ll use more minor forms of blackmail and blame regularly.
Why do people use emotional blackmail?
Many of us have been frustrated when someone has not done something that we would have liked them to.
People who use serious emotional blackmail are abusers, attempting to control another person’s behaviour, thoughts and feelings. You may find yourself:
- Trying to anticipate your blackmailer’s moods.
- Apologising for things that are not your fault.
- Feeling guilty, powerless and confused.
- Feeling like you are being unreasonable.
Emotional blackmailers, like any abusers, are often very good at spotting the people who are likely to respond to them best.